I am so pissed off right now I don't even know where to begin. There is no reason for me to be only getting one four-hour shift at work per week. NONE. Not when I changed me entire personal schedule around to make sure I was available five days a week, three of those from open to close. But on the schedule I'm marked as having days off I don't have and being unavailable when I'm available. Four hours a week isn't worth the anger I'm experiencing, but it's the only income I have coming in, however small it may be.

And I don't know what to do with this anger. So I clean. My bathroom is immaculate, I just bleached it from top to bottom. My bedroom is getting there, but it's too hot and stuffy to do it all at once. My laundry is all done. My sheets are clean, my computer is clean. Hell, *I* am clean, after having a bath and a shower within an hour of each other. But what now?

So I'm trying to calm myself down. I'm telling myself this isn't healthy, if it's that much of a problem I should wait until I have confirmation from OSAP then quit and take my time finding another job that would actually work for me. It's not working. I just get more and more upset and frustrated. I've only been like this for an hour and a half but I feel like I'm going to explode.

I'm kicking myself in the ass for not trying to find a psychologist sooner. For not trying to find a decent family doctor. I have the number for a psychologist who specializes in patients with borderline personality disorder, so I'll call tonight. I have to call tonight. I am so far from a healthy place right now I don't know what to do with myself. I just keep picturing SI over and over in my head, because it's still the only "happy" place I have where nothing else matters. Just me. And then I get frustrated because I'm being incredibly selfish.

I'm so lost right now it's actually pathetic. Harry Potter is over. There are two more movies to look forward to, and that's it. No more books. What am I supposed to read now? I cried my way through Deathly Hallows, partially because of what was happening and partially because that's it. I actually got mad at Dean for not being sympathetic when I was upset about something in the book. I feel like an idiot, but I can't help it. When something is a huge part of your life and it's over, there is a grieving process involved.

HP:OOTP + IMAX = 3D GREATNESS

THE! A! BROOM! STICK!

My mind is a terrifying place right now. It's like there was a crossroads, where one direction has a rainbow over it and the other is draped in dark trees. I chose to go down the latter, and now I'm freaking out. I'm upset, angry, paranoid, untrusting... all for no real reason. They won't get out. I keep asking them just to leave, but they won't unless I destroy it but I can't destroy it, I need it and they need it and if I destroy it, it will just seek refuge somewhere else. And nobody deserves this but me.

I enjoyed every second of my shift in security today. I would have stayed longer, but Van Morrison doesn't really interest me. But still, I was working right in front of the MBNA stage and there were tons of people there. It was super crazy, but awesome. The real festival kick-off is tomorrow, and I'm really looking forward to it. Too bad I won't be able to stick around for City and Colour, because I would've loved to. But alas, BB8 starts tomorrow night!